Saturday, February 6, 2010

Review: The Lovely Bones

I wanted to punch every single person associated with this film, from the stupid people in it to the stupid people who made it to the stupid people who spent their money to make the book a #1 best seller.

There is no way that I can take Mark Wahlberg seriously anymore. I can't hear his voice without thinking of SNL skits: "Hey, Lovely Bones. How's it hanging? Say hello to your mother for me."

In the first few minutes, the ugly redheaded girl gets murdered. I was jealous, because...being dead...she did not have to sit through the next seven hours of penguin topiaries, rainbow sunsets, and collapsing gazebos.

At one point, the dead girl's sister risks her life to find the bad guy's Murder Book, which proves once and for all his guilt. She turns the book over to her grandmother.

And we never hear about it again.

It is also worth pointing out that about halfway into this cineturd, there is an extended "hilarious/crazy grandmother doing things her own way, damn what society thinks" montage. It is incredibly jarring. But sure takes our minds off all the rape and murder!

It's as if they took the "Say A Little Prayer" table singalong from "My Best Friend's Wedding" and dropped it into the middle of "Se7en."

Oh, and the bad guy gets his justice.




Least satisfying justice EVER.

Lots of messages here.

1. If your daughter is raped and murdered, just accept it. Or else you might get beaten mercilessly in a corn field by a horny teenager.

2. If your daughter is raped and murdered, and you are her mother, you should abandon your family and go pick avacados in California.

3. If your sister is raped and murdered, and you nearly die getting the evidence that will clearly convict the perpetrator, just hang on to it. Nobody will care about it.

4. If you are raped and have a lot to look forward to!

I hated this movie more than I hated this movie.

Rating: Minus infinity ignored Murder Books (out of plus infinity)

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