Saturday, February 6, 2010

Review: The Lovely Bones

I wanted to punch every single person associated with this film, from the stupid people in it to the stupid people who made it to the stupid people who spent their money to make the book a #1 best seller.

There is no way that I can take Mark Wahlberg seriously anymore. I can't hear his voice without thinking of SNL skits: "Hey, Lovely Bones. How's it hanging? Say hello to your mother for me."

In the first few minutes, the ugly redheaded girl gets murdered. I was jealous, because...being dead...she did not have to sit through the next seven hours of penguin topiaries, rainbow sunsets, and collapsing gazebos.

At one point, the dead girl's sister risks her life to find the bad guy's Murder Book, which proves once and for all his guilt. She turns the book over to her grandmother.

And we never hear about it again.

It is also worth pointing out that about halfway into this cineturd, there is an extended "hilarious/crazy grandmother doing things her own way, damn what society thinks" montage. It is incredibly jarring. But sure takes our minds off all the rape and murder!

It's as if they took the "Say A Little Prayer" table singalong from "My Best Friend's Wedding" and dropped it into the middle of "Se7en."

Oh, and the bad guy gets his justice.




Least satisfying justice EVER.

Lots of messages here.

1. If your daughter is raped and murdered, just accept it. Or else you might get beaten mercilessly in a corn field by a horny teenager.

2. If your daughter is raped and murdered, and you are her mother, you should abandon your family and go pick avacados in California.

3. If your sister is raped and murdered, and you nearly die getting the evidence that will clearly convict the perpetrator, just hang on to it. Nobody will care about it.

4. If you are raped and have a lot to look forward to!

I hated this movie more than I hated this movie.

Rating: Minus infinity ignored Murder Books (out of plus infinity)

Review: Zombieland

"Zombieland" stars Jesse Eisenberg, the guy movie producers hire when they can't get Michael Cera.

Which is something to really consider, when you stop to think about the absolute crap that Michael Cera makes.

Anyway, this Eisenberg fellow was the cat who got all sorts of indie cred for sleepwalking through "Adventureland," a real snooze of a hipster b.s. film.

Don't let the similarity of the titles confuse you. Eisenberg's acting is so catatonic that you might think "Zombieland" is the sequel to "Adventureland," with a more accurate description of Jesse's approach to dramaturgy.

In spite of his lousy screen presence, "Zombieland" is fairly entertaining. Woody Harrelson is bat-s insane. The broad is sort of hot. And there is an extended cameo by a famous comedian - in what passes for funny these days. You know. Hey, look - it's that guy - coasting through some scenes, expecting us to laugh out of simple recognition - without really being (in retrospect) all that humorous.

But whatever.

Better than I thought it would be - especially after all the undeserved reach-arounds the media gave "Shaun of the Dead."

Rating: 3.5 Man alive - Woody Harrelson is just SO bald (out of 5)

Review: Amelia

Remember Amelia Earhart? She's famous because she could fly a plane, except for when it mattered.

She is best known for disappearing off the face of the earth. I dare you to name one other famous female aviator.

I am sure it is just a coincidence that the only woman pilot anybody knows achieved fame by being a terrible plane driver.

Yep. Coincidence.

Oh, this movie sucks worse at being entertaining than the real Amelia did at arriving at her destination.

Best quote of the film:

"He looks like Richard Gere." - the person I watched the movie with.

Oh. And it WAS Richard Gere.

Rating: Zero failed pilots who just happen to be female (out of 5)

Review: More Than A Game

"More Than A Game" tells the story of Lebron James' high school basketball team and their quest to win a bunch of state championships.

Spoiler: They do.

Entertaining enough sports doc. Fairly straightforward, with plenty of tales of young people overcoming adversity (drugs, violence, athletic disappointment, family problems, etc.).

The primary attraction is seeing baby 'Bron. Cool music. Happy ending.

Rating: 3 pampered hyper-entitled adolescents (out of 5)