Saturday, February 6, 2010

Review: The Lovely Bones

I wanted to punch every single person associated with this film, from the stupid people in it to the stupid people who made it to the stupid people who spent their money to make the book a #1 best seller.

There is no way that I can take Mark Wahlberg seriously anymore. I can't hear his voice without thinking of SNL skits: "Hey, Lovely Bones. How's it hanging? Say hello to your mother for me."

In the first few minutes, the ugly redheaded girl gets murdered. I was jealous, because...being dead...she did not have to sit through the next seven hours of penguin topiaries, rainbow sunsets, and collapsing gazebos.

At one point, the dead girl's sister risks her life to find the bad guy's Murder Book, which proves once and for all his guilt. She turns the book over to her grandmother.

And we never hear about it again.

It is also worth pointing out that about halfway into this cineturd, there is an extended "hilarious/crazy grandmother doing things her own way, damn what society thinks" montage. It is incredibly jarring. But sure takes our minds off all the rape and murder!

It's as if they took the "Say A Little Prayer" table singalong from "My Best Friend's Wedding" and dropped it into the middle of "Se7en."

Oh, and the bad guy gets his justice.




Least satisfying justice EVER.

Lots of messages here.

1. If your daughter is raped and murdered, just accept it. Or else you might get beaten mercilessly in a corn field by a horny teenager.

2. If your daughter is raped and murdered, and you are her mother, you should abandon your family and go pick avacados in California.

3. If your sister is raped and murdered, and you nearly die getting the evidence that will clearly convict the perpetrator, just hang on to it. Nobody will care about it.

4. If you are raped and have a lot to look forward to!

I hated this movie more than I hated this movie.

Rating: Minus infinity ignored Murder Books (out of plus infinity)

Review: Zombieland

"Zombieland" stars Jesse Eisenberg, the guy movie producers hire when they can't get Michael Cera.

Which is something to really consider, when you stop to think about the absolute crap that Michael Cera makes.

Anyway, this Eisenberg fellow was the cat who got all sorts of indie cred for sleepwalking through "Adventureland," a real snooze of a hipster b.s. film.

Don't let the similarity of the titles confuse you. Eisenberg's acting is so catatonic that you might think "Zombieland" is the sequel to "Adventureland," with a more accurate description of Jesse's approach to dramaturgy.

In spite of his lousy screen presence, "Zombieland" is fairly entertaining. Woody Harrelson is bat-s insane. The broad is sort of hot. And there is an extended cameo by a famous comedian - in what passes for funny these days. You know. Hey, look - it's that guy - coasting through some scenes, expecting us to laugh out of simple recognition - without really being (in retrospect) all that humorous.

But whatever.

Better than I thought it would be - especially after all the undeserved reach-arounds the media gave "Shaun of the Dead."

Rating: 3.5 Man alive - Woody Harrelson is just SO bald (out of 5)

Review: Amelia

Remember Amelia Earhart? She's famous because she could fly a plane, except for when it mattered.

She is best known for disappearing off the face of the earth. I dare you to name one other famous female aviator.

I am sure it is just a coincidence that the only woman pilot anybody knows achieved fame by being a terrible plane driver.

Yep. Coincidence.

Oh, this movie sucks worse at being entertaining than the real Amelia did at arriving at her destination.

Best quote of the film:

"He looks like Richard Gere." - the person I watched the movie with.

Oh. And it WAS Richard Gere.

Rating: Zero failed pilots who just happen to be female (out of 5)

Review: More Than A Game

"More Than A Game" tells the story of Lebron James' high school basketball team and their quest to win a bunch of state championships.

Spoiler: They do.

Entertaining enough sports doc. Fairly straightforward, with plenty of tales of young people overcoming adversity (drugs, violence, athletic disappointment, family problems, etc.).

The primary attraction is seeing baby 'Bron. Cool music. Happy ending.

Rating: 3 pampered hyper-entitled adolescents (out of 5)

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Nails It

Every fool’s got a reason for feelin’ sorry for himself...

Three Things I Believe: Grammar

1. I believe one should always spell out the word "okay." OK seems so...unpleasant and gruff.

2. I believe in the serial/Oxford comma. Without it, one ends up thusly:

My favorite sandwiches are turkey, ham, pastrami and peanut butter.

That's ridiculous! Nobody likes pastrami AND peanut butter.

My favorite sandwiches are turkey, ham, pastrami, and peanut butter.

Much better!

(Aside: For the record, there is only one acceptable PB&J sandwich. Strawberry jelly + Jif Extra Crunchy on Honey Wheat. The end.)

3. I believe that when a word ends in S, the correct way to make it possessive is to add an apostrophe to the end. None of this new-fangled (probably socialist) apostrophe S nonsense.

Correct: That is Tomas' bobsled!

Incorrect: That is Tomas's bobsled!

(Aside: Another way to make it possessive is to let it see other words getting attention from attractive gerunds. Only then will it realize that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Just ask Cinderella. The band, not the cartoon.)

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Dear Barenaked Ladies

So, just to be're doing two shows in Florida, then heading straight to VANCOUVER?

Have You Heard the New Single "You Run Away?"

Head over to to listen to the new single "You Run Away" from the upcoming album "All in Good Time" coming March 23rd (Canada) and March 30th (US).
Upcoming Shows

2/6 - Ft. Lauderdale, FL - South Beach - Free Show!
2/6 - Ft. Lauderdale, FL - Broward County Convention Center - Buy Tix
2/16 - Vancouver, BC - BC Place (2010 Olympics Victory Ceremony) - Buy Tix
2/17 - Whistler, BC - Whislter Village - Free Show!
2/20 - Toronto, ON - Nathan Phillips Square - Free Show!
4/6 - Victoria, BC - Save On Foods Memorial Centre - On Sale Now
4/8 - Calgary, AB - Southern Alberta Jubilee Auditorium - On Sale Now
4/12 - Saskatoon, SK - TCU Place - On Sale Now
4/13 - Regina, SK - Conexus Arts Centre - On Sale Now
4/14 - Edmonton, AB - Northern Alberta Jubilee Auditorium - On Sale Now
4/17 - London, ON - John Labatt Centre - On Sale Now
4/20 - Kingston, ON - OLG 1000 Islands Casino Theatre @ K-Rock Centre - On Sale Now
4/24 - Halifax, NS - Metro Centre - On-Sale 1/30 @ 9AM
4/28 - Hamilton, ON - Hamilton Place Theatre - On Sale Now
4/30 - Montreal, QC - Metropolis - On-Sale 1/30 @ Noon
5/1 - Oshawa, ON - General Motors Centre - On Sale Now

The Prince William County Fairgrounds would be a great halfway concert venue!

It was good enough for President Obama. It's good enough for Canadians!